Monk Moment

I was confronted with just about every one of my fears tonight. My cousin-in-law Shellie arranged for us to go to this Mystery Mansion Dinner Theater for her husband's birthday. Sounds great, right?

Fear #1 -- Chinese buffets. The first clue that we were in for a treat was seen upon entering the lobby of the "China Panda" restaurant this event was set in, turning left past the buffet setup, and wondering what type of food we were going to be served. As we sat down, we were relieved to find sour cream and butter packets on the table, clearly not for a Chinese buffet, although given the rest of the evening, it wouldn't have surprised me if they excused us a table at a time to help ourselves to the wonton soup.

Fear #2 -- Interactive anything. As we are checking in, it becomes all too clear that this is going to be an INTERACTIVE dinner theater, as we are all donned with our own clever, and I use that term loosely, doctor names. Mine was Nurse Anna Steticks, Anesthesiologist; Marshall's was Dennis Toffis, Orthodontist; Troy was Alf Abbett, Speech Pathologist; and Tiffy was Paige Turner, Medical Librarian. You get the picture. Then there was the drag queen Nurse Vein who made nice with Troy from the get-go.

Fear #3 -- Germs. Just as I'm about to enjoy the glass of cold water in front of me, old Dr. Young, who basically is playing the part of a mad scientist/doctor with the hair and all, is leaning over our table, spewing out obnoxious jokes at a distance that is way way too close for comfort. His dirty labcoat sleeve that hung over my water glass and the spit that flew across the table was the first indication that this was going to be a rough night. And as quickly as I could I ordered a Pepsi.

And let's not forget nurse "Scratch It" who after yes, scratching just about everything on her body, came around and tried to shake all of our hands. We are about to eat, right? And then there was our drag queen nurse again, who approached Marshall this time and stuck his GLASS in "her" chest. So, now we were sharing the Pepsi.

Fear #4 -- Bad food. For starters, I could not, would not, eat the salad. After finding a hair in Tiffany's, and then sampling the dressing, a.k.a mayo with the slightest hint of vinegar, I just couldn't stomach it. You know, a big Costco bottle of ranch would have done wonders for this heap of iceburg lettuce.

(And lest you think I'm just too particular or finicky, I might point out that we were all passing around what was left of a small bottle of Brooke's hand sanitizer, and kept asking "Where's the bread?", as it was actually edible and plentiful, and the butter was in little sealed packets.)

As they started passing out the dinner, the sweet smell of baked potatoes was all we needed to get us through. Potatoes wrapped in foil -- you can't go wrong, even with the sour cream that has been sitting on the table for 3 hours. But then we saw the chicken, which appeared to be smothered in the same dressing as the salad. Cameron, I don't think I've ever seen anyone put that much salt on food in my life!

Fear #5 -- Being called on in front of an audience, class, etc. I basically hid behind Troy the entire night and averted my eyes whenever they were searching the audience for "volunteers". Of course, it didn't help that the drag queen nurse had a thing for Troy, as she cut up his chicken and fed him, all the while with "her" chest in his face. But I'm sure those pictures and/or stories will be on other blogs that I will link to as soon as they are up.

Fear #6 -- Being subjected to bad comedy. (Okay, not really a fear, but painful nonetheless.) It was like watching a crude version of kids making their own home videos. And the talking skull on the wall acting as host, or narrator, didn't help matters. Lucky for us, we were with a group of fabulous people, who actually are funny, and pretty good sports, so laughing amongst our table became the real show for me.

I must say, every time I covered my food when an "actor" approached, or asked for more bread, or watched poor Troy get mauled by his new friend, I considered this a definite bonding moment between those of us at our table. And as I sit here and chronicle tonight at the stroke of twelve (those Pepsi's are paying off), I am laughing out loud. Thanks, Shellie!! You gave us a night we won't soon forget!

Now I need to go take a long, hot shower and boil my clothes.